One day at a time is not quite working for me!

I’m finding it somewhat therapeutic to write my feelings down somewhere. I don’t know if anyone reads what I write, agrees, disagrees, or has any opinion or advice at all. I guess what I’m finding is it doesn’t matter.

I had been doing so much better than this for a long time. I got myself away from my business, which unfortunately brought a lot of stress and pain to my life. I say unfortunately because it also at times gave me my greatest joys. It was something I also shared with my son for years.

Thank goodness he has a great life started now and has moved away. He wasn’t around to see what some of our “friends” ended up treating me like in the last 2-3 years. Thank goodness again that he really saw through a lot of these “friends” and separated himself from them in his senior year of high school. I for some reason thought I would be the one that made a difference and would get them and their parents to realize that they really needed to wake up and make some changes in the choices they were making and the way they thought the world owed them.

I didn’t make them see anything in the end, so I feel like I failed them. In the process they brought me down to the lowest point in my life. It was a day I came the closest to succeeding in ended my life. Ambulance was called, I was to the hospital on a stretcher. That’s when I closed it all up and separated myself from almost every person that had been a part of my life for the last 20 years. My son was finishing college and we never let him or anyone else know. My husband and mother were by my side and helped me come back to the land if the living again.

ilike I said, I was doing great! I started the blog thinking I would be writing about moving on. My husband and I enjoying our lives together and really kind if starting “new”. That’s what my first post was all about. I actually was feeling good again!

stupid me! I let my old life creep back in! I heard through some people that the business I left behind to my one of my employees was having some trouble. Not money problems, not in jeopardy of closing, just the same crap I had always dealt with, mean spirited people who were trying to “take over” and run things their way even though they have no knowledge of the business at all.

Feeling like I needed to help because there were great kids involved in my old place, I contacted the old employee to find out what was going on and offer advice if I could. I wish now that anyone had stopped me! After an 8 hr conversation, yes 8 hours straight! I listened to what these few people were trying to do, stories they were telling about me, lies about me, about the employee I left the business to, mean things being done to students. Ugh! It all rushed back! Those same horrible feelings of hate, failure, loathing, anger that I had before. All those feelings not only for the people doing these things but for myself again, as well, because in some way I still feel like I should somehow be able to stop it or control it. I don’t know anymore, I really don’t! Now I most angry at myself for letting this all back in because I had moved forward and was becoming a productive person again. I felt good, like I was going to be able to contribute to my household agin and get back to maybe holding some kind of part time job even. In fact I was offered a job and I’m supposed to go sign papers tomorrow to get everything in line to start training. Now the only problem is all day today I have felt sick to my stomach, have stared multiple times at the full bottle of sleeping pills, just because I’ve allowed myself to sink back into that awful place again! I hate myself for it! I want to go and take this job offer, but I literally feel as soon as I walk out my door I might throw up. I had blocked the people from my life that drug me down and I let it back in, now I’m feeling right back where I was 8 months ago! I have to stop writing because I’m just getting myself worked up, instead of releasing it as I write. A lot of deep breaths tomorrow and I’m hoping I can pull myself together and walk out the door tomorrow. Please God if I do, let the people I talk to be “truly good people” and help me push those people who do nothing but bring me down out of my life again. I don’t even want to tell anyone In my family I’m in this mental place again. I don’t know what they’d do, but I fear they might try to commit me for help and I don’t know if I could handle that either. I’m in a big state of not knowing much right now, I guess!


Lies, copycats, and more lies

What is wrong with parents these days? What the hell are the lessons kids are learning? I spent the largest part of my life dealing with children and teens over the last 25 years. Each year kids seem to get a little worse as a whole. I’m not saying there aren’t still great kids and great parents out there because there are, the rapid decline of morals instilled in our younger generations just seems to be lacking in most.

Twenty five years ago when a child made a commitment to something parents taught them that following though on their commitment until it’s conclusion was a must. Now more and more parents let their kids do whatever they want, say whatever they want, and change their minds like they change their clothes. A kid signs up for a sport, one day, mid season they decide they don’t feel like doing it any more and the parent lets them quit the very next day. There is no thought to how it will affect anyone else on the team. The only thing most kids know today is that as long as they are happy no one else’s feeling matter.

Each year I have seen it more and more. Recently it has now grown even worse which I didn’t think was possible.  Not only can kids do whatever they want without regard for others, now to make them quitting something and leaving teammates suffering look like they were right, the parent and child makes up stories and lies about other children or adults involved with the activity. Hey, if the people they are around are that horrible they deserve to quit or jump ship to another team, right? My question is how many times do you let your kid do that before you as a parent should realize the problem might be your child and not everyone else around them.

I have kids I dealt with 25 years ago who still contact me to chat or for advice because they have also gone into my field.  The last 3-4 years of kids all of a sudden are positive they know more then I do already. How dare they think it’s right to come back and bad mouth what I took years building now, just because I’m not their anymore. The best kid was one who used multiple pieces of my old work and tried to pass it off as her own the whole time bad mouthing me! Day after day and week after week I get messages about what’s being said and done. What am I supposed to do about it? I’m already sick and now let’s kick me when I’m down. The smarter parents realize they are dealing with some crazy people and don’t listen or follow. Then you have the parents and kids who blindly follow whoever has the biggest mouth. I’m beyond words at this point. I wonder why I am so depressed all the time. Well it’s easy for me to see now after sitting home for months thinking about it. Kids today think everything revolves around them and as soon as something isn’t the way they want it their parents swoop in and either demand change or let the kid quit. There is no accountability. Parents are raising their kids for the world as they want it to be, not the world that is actually there.  Kids used to misbehave and the parents backed the adult in charge of them. Now! It’s what did the adult do to force the child to feel like they had to misbehave! What???? I can’t stand being around kids anymore and they used to be my life! Sadly it’s not their fault it’s this generation of parents. Parents are getting more blind to reality on a daily basis. All kids are not equal!!!! There’s the non politically correct thing to say! Go ahead and jump down my throat with comments. But face it: everyone is not equal! Some kids are better than others at sports, every kid does not deserve to play. Some kids are smarter than others, everyone doesn’t deserve an A! I say all the time I don’t want to live in this world anymore and I really mean it!!! This politically correct, every one is special attitude society is putting into the younger generations head is going to make the world (well the USA) a horrible place to be. We aren’t the smartest, or at the forefront of anything anymore. So many countries have just passed us by! Why??? Because they don’t look at their children and say, “how can we as a society make life easier for you(the child)?” They are demanding work ethic and high achievement results from their children. But no, not here in the good ole USA. As long as kids are “happy” that’s all that matters. Don’t be a parent, be their friend and screw all of us who are trying to make kids take responsibility for anything. Run our names into the mud and make people believe we are the bad guys. I honestly sit around now, yes still thinking I want my life to end, and I want to leave behind a list of parents and kids who when they come to my funeral pretending to care, someone is there just saying FUCK YOU as they pass by and hand them a copy of this blog that says you are responsible as parents to teach your kids that what they say and do does matter and they are responsible for being honest and nice to those around them. They will be given respect when it is earned, not just because they were born!