I’m finding it somewhat therapeutic to write my feelings down somewhere. I don’t know if anyone reads what I write, agrees, disagrees, or has any opinion or advice at all. I guess what I’m finding is it doesn’t matter.
I had been doing so much better than this for a long time. I got myself away from my business, which unfortunately brought a lot of stress and pain to my life. I say unfortunately because it also at times gave me my greatest joys. It was something I also shared with my son for years.
Thank goodness he has a great life started now and has moved away. He wasn’t around to see what some of our “friends” ended up treating me like in the last 2-3 years. Thank goodness again that he really saw through a lot of these “friends” and separated himself from them in his senior year of high school. I for some reason thought I would be the one that made a difference and would get them and their parents to realize that they really needed to wake up and make some changes in the choices they were making and the way they thought the world owed them.
I didn’t make them see anything in the end, so I feel like I failed them. In the process they brought me down to the lowest point in my life. It was a day I came the closest to succeeding in ended my life. Ambulance was called, I was to the hospital on a stretcher. That’s when I closed it all up and separated myself from almost every person that had been a part of my life for the last 20 years. My son was finishing college and we never let him or anyone else know. My husband and mother were by my side and helped me come back to the land if the living again.
ilike I said, I was doing great! I started the blog thinking I would be writing about moving on. My husband and I enjoying our lives together and really kind if starting “new”. That’s what my first post was all about. I actually was feeling good again!
stupid me! I let my old life creep back in! I heard through some people that the business I left behind to my one of my employees was having some trouble. Not money problems, not in jeopardy of closing, just the same crap I had always dealt with, mean spirited people who were trying to “take over” and run things their way even though they have no knowledge of the business at all.
Feeling like I needed to help because there were great kids involved in my old place, I contacted the old employee to find out what was going on and offer advice if I could. I wish now that anyone had stopped me! After an 8 hr conversation, yes 8 hours straight! I listened to what these few people were trying to do, stories they were telling about me, lies about me, about the employee I left the business to, mean things being done to students. Ugh! It all rushed back! Those same horrible feelings of hate, failure, loathing, anger that I had before. All those feelings not only for the people doing these things but for myself again, as well, because in some way I still feel like I should somehow be able to stop it or control it. I don’t know anymore, I really don’t! Now I most angry at myself for letting this all back in because I had moved forward and was becoming a productive person again. I felt good, like I was going to be able to contribute to my household agin and get back to maybe holding some kind of part time job even. In fact I was offered a job and I’m supposed to go sign papers tomorrow to get everything in line to start training. Now the only problem is all day today I have felt sick to my stomach, have stared multiple times at the full bottle of sleeping pills, just because I’ve allowed myself to sink back into that awful place again! I hate myself for it! I want to go and take this job offer, but I literally feel as soon as I walk out my door I might throw up. I had blocked the people from my life that drug me down and I let it back in, now I’m feeling right back where I was 8 months ago! I have to stop writing because I’m just getting myself worked up, instead of releasing it as I write. A lot of deep breaths tomorrow and I’m hoping I can pull myself together and walk out the door tomorrow. Please God if I do, let the people I talk to be “truly good people” and help me push those people who do nothing but bring me down out of my life again. I don’t even want to tell anyone In my family I’m in this mental place again. I don’t know what they’d do, but I fear they might try to commit me for help and I don’t know if I could handle that either. I’m in a big state of not knowing much right now, I guess!