Starting Over

A normal day for me has taken on a new meaning. It’s every changing and ever evolving. In my 20’s I was so active.  I was married at 22, then a stay at home mom to a wonderful little boy for 3 1/2 years before heading back to work. For 14 years I worked more than 40 hours a week running a dance school. I taught all levels of students from beginner to the most advanced. I was up and active, out of the house constantly. As a studio we traveled multiple times a year to different states to compete in dance competitions all the way up to the national level. I was a guru of handling pressure.

After 14 years I opened my own dance school. Everything in my life seemed to be going great! Of course with owning your own business there does come a certain amount of pressure but I was great at handling pressure, most people would say it was one of my fortes. The studio was going well and my students were placing nationally within their first year and only kept improving.

Then everything started to change. I started getting sick (really sick) 4-5 times a year. I would be out of work for at least a week. I went on the way on and off antibiotics and steroids, I would pull muscles coughing to the point where they would give me pain pills as well. My family physician just blamed it on the fact that I smoked and was around children every day and sent me on my way. The last 3 years before I finally gave my business up I was on antibiotics more than off them and would spend 21 days on steroids, 7 days off and then back on again. I was hospitalized a few times for breathing issues and low blood oxygen levels and I was finally sent to a pulmonologist. Even with the pulmonologist I wasn’t having much luck. Of course I was depressed, short tempered, and had personality changes from the steroids. (at least that’s what we blamed it on) Lots of tests later and the pulmo’s suggestion of the addition of and ENT, a lot started to come clear. There were multiple issues: infection in throat, infection in my upper sinus that was hardened and close to the brain, and COPD. So surgery first, then finding the medications that would help the COPD the most, and then trying to find the triggers.

Well, all the rugs in my house had to be removed and my home is as clean as a hospital on a daily basis now. As the pulmo says the more I keep myself in a bubble the less I will get sick. I thought with doing all of that and the surgery behind me I was on the road to recovery and returning back to a somewhat normal life. Boy was I wrong. While I was still recovering from surgery I tried to make a visit to my work because I wanted to see “my kids” so badly. It did not go well. One of my teachers, who I trained, now decided she knew more than I did, a few parents were really starting trouble behind my back and with everything else I came home to an empty house and it felt like something snapped. That is when I made the first attempt I talked about in my earlier blog and the decision was made that between my regular health issues and the mental snap I closed my business and ave stepped out of the world for the last year and half.

What my family and I were blaming the steroids for with my personality changes were the start of my bipolar and manic depression. The steroids were easily masking the problem so no one was really able to tell the problems I was heading for. Left to my own devices for as long as I was it is somewhat of a miracle I am still here. And my struggle is still far from over. One day at time, congratulating myself for the good days and when I have bad days trying to work through it.


One more day

Well I couldn’t do it. I stayed in my nice safe house where no one can bring me down. I think it was the right choice for me today. Closed myself off and trying to put things in order in my head again. Surprisingly they still want me to take the job and are giving me a few days to pull it together.

One day at a time is not quite working for me!

I’m finding it somewhat therapeutic to write my feelings down somewhere. I don’t know if anyone reads what I write, agrees, disagrees, or has any opinion or advice at all. I guess what I’m finding is it doesn’t matter.

I had been doing so much better than this for a long time. I got myself away from my business, which unfortunately brought a lot of stress and pain to my life. I say unfortunately because it also at times gave me my greatest joys. It was something I also shared with my son for years.

Thank goodness he has a great life started now and has moved away. He wasn’t around to see what some of our “friends” ended up treating me like in the last 2-3 years. Thank goodness again that he really saw through a lot of these “friends” and separated himself from them in his senior year of high school. I for some reason thought I would be the one that made a difference and would get them and their parents to realize that they really needed to wake up and make some changes in the choices they were making and the way they thought the world owed them.

I didn’t make them see anything in the end, so I feel like I failed them. In the process they brought me down to the lowest point in my life. It was a day I came the closest to succeeding in ended my life. Ambulance was called, I was to the hospital on a stretcher. That’s when I closed it all up and separated myself from almost every person that had been a part of my life for the last 20 years. My son was finishing college and we never let him or anyone else know. My husband and mother were by my side and helped me come back to the land if the living again.

ilike I said, I was doing great! I started the blog thinking I would be writing about moving on. My husband and I enjoying our lives together and really kind if starting “new”. That’s what my first post was all about. I actually was feeling good again!

stupid me! I let my old life creep back in! I heard through some people that the business I left behind to my one of my employees was having some trouble. Not money problems, not in jeopardy of closing, just the same crap I had always dealt with, mean spirited people who were trying to “take over” and run things their way even though they have no knowledge of the business at all.

Feeling like I needed to help because there were great kids involved in my old place, I contacted the old employee to find out what was going on and offer advice if I could. I wish now that anyone had stopped me! After an 8 hr conversation, yes 8 hours straight! I listened to what these few people were trying to do, stories they were telling about me, lies about me, about the employee I left the business to, mean things being done to students. Ugh! It all rushed back! Those same horrible feelings of hate, failure, loathing, anger that I had before. All those feelings not only for the people doing these things but for myself again, as well, because in some way I still feel like I should somehow be able to stop it or control it. I don’t know anymore, I really don’t! Now I most angry at myself for letting this all back in because I had moved forward and was becoming a productive person again. I felt good, like I was going to be able to contribute to my household agin and get back to maybe holding some kind of part time job even. In fact I was offered a job and I’m supposed to go sign papers tomorrow to get everything in line to start training. Now the only problem is all day today I have felt sick to my stomach, have stared multiple times at the full bottle of sleeping pills, just because I’ve allowed myself to sink back into that awful place again! I hate myself for it! I want to go and take this job offer, but I literally feel as soon as I walk out my door I might throw up. I had blocked the people from my life that drug me down and I let it back in, now I’m feeling right back where I was 8 months ago! I have to stop writing because I’m just getting myself worked up, instead of releasing it as I write. A lot of deep breaths tomorrow and I’m hoping I can pull myself together and walk out the door tomorrow. Please God if I do, let the people I talk to be “truly good people” and help me push those people who do nothing but bring me down out of my life again. I don’t even want to tell anyone In my family I’m in this mental place again. I don’t know what they’d do, but I fear they might try to commit me for help and I don’t know if I could handle that either. I’m in a big state of not knowing much right now, I guess!

Lies, copycats, and more lies

What is wrong with parents these days? What the hell are the lessons kids are learning? I spent the largest part of my life dealing with children and teens over the last 25 years. Each year kids seem to get a little worse as a whole. I’m not saying there aren’t still great kids and great parents out there because there are, the rapid decline of morals instilled in our younger generations just seems to be lacking in most.

Twenty five years ago when a child made a commitment to something parents taught them that following though on their commitment until it’s conclusion was a must. Now more and more parents let their kids do whatever they want, say whatever they want, and change their minds like they change their clothes. A kid signs up for a sport, one day, mid season they decide they don’t feel like doing it any more and the parent lets them quit the very next day. There is no thought to how it will affect anyone else on the team. The only thing most kids know today is that as long as they are happy no one else’s feeling matter.

Each year I have seen it more and more. Recently it has now grown even worse which I didn’t think was possible.  Not only can kids do whatever they want without regard for others, now to make them quitting something and leaving teammates suffering look like they were right, the parent and child makes up stories and lies about other children or adults involved with the activity. Hey, if the people they are around are that horrible they deserve to quit or jump ship to another team, right? My question is how many times do you let your kid do that before you as a parent should realize the problem might be your child and not everyone else around them.

I have kids I dealt with 25 years ago who still contact me to chat or for advice because they have also gone into my field.  The last 3-4 years of kids all of a sudden are positive they know more then I do already. How dare they think it’s right to come back and bad mouth what I took years building now, just because I’m not their anymore. The best kid was one who used multiple pieces of my old work and tried to pass it off as her own the whole time bad mouthing me! Day after day and week after week I get messages about what’s being said and done. What am I supposed to do about it? I’m already sick and now let’s kick me when I’m down. The smarter parents realize they are dealing with some crazy people and don’t listen or follow. Then you have the parents and kids who blindly follow whoever has the biggest mouth. I’m beyond words at this point. I wonder why I am so depressed all the time. Well it’s easy for me to see now after sitting home for months thinking about it. Kids today think everything revolves around them and as soon as something isn’t the way they want it their parents swoop in and either demand change or let the kid quit. There is no accountability. Parents are raising their kids for the world as they want it to be, not the world that is actually there.  Kids used to misbehave and the parents backed the adult in charge of them. Now! It’s what did the adult do to force the child to feel like they had to misbehave! What???? I can’t stand being around kids anymore and they used to be my life! Sadly it’s not their fault it’s this generation of parents. Parents are getting more blind to reality on a daily basis. All kids are not equal!!!! There’s the non politically correct thing to say! Go ahead and jump down my throat with comments. But face it: everyone is not equal! Some kids are better than others at sports, every kid does not deserve to play. Some kids are smarter than others, everyone doesn’t deserve an A! I say all the time I don’t want to live in this world anymore and I really mean it!!! This politically correct, every one is special attitude society is putting into the younger generations head is going to make the world (well the USA) a horrible place to be. We aren’t the smartest, or at the forefront of anything anymore. So many countries have just passed us by! Why??? Because they don’t look at their children and say, “how can we as a society make life easier for you(the child)?” They are demanding work ethic and high achievement results from their children. But no, not here in the good ole USA. As long as kids are “happy” that’s all that matters. Don’t be a parent, be their friend and screw all of us who are trying to make kids take responsibility for anything. Run our names into the mud and make people believe we are the bad guys. I honestly sit around now, yes still thinking I want my life to end, and I want to leave behind a list of parents and kids who when they come to my funeral pretending to care, someone is there just saying FUCK YOU as they pass by and hand them a copy of this blog that says you are responsible as parents to teach your kids that what they say and do does matter and they are responsible for being honest and nice to those around them. They will be given respect when it is earned, not just because they were born!

Sad and happy: I’m Sappy

I say I’m sappy because at any given moment throughout a day I can go from being the happiest most content person into a downward spiral of wanting to block out the world. I’ve done all of the right things: talk it out, spoke to a doctor, and have been taking medication for depression for a few months now. In the last week I have taken 3 overdoses of sleeping pills.  I thought this last time when I took over 3000 mg (a whole bottle) it would work and I wouldn’t have to deal with another day. Well it didn’t!


I am miserable! I can’t even succeed at ending my own life! Everyone tries to give the whole speech on not giving up, you have so much to live for! Well let me tell you I do not! I’ve screwed up so many things in my life everyone in my family would actually be better off with me gone. My fear is that I won’t succeed and I’ll end up being in a hospital hooked to machines. I don’t want to do that to my family. I want them to be able to move on. I need this to work! Please tell me a sure fire way to peacefully end my life! Help!!!

A “New” Life

I signed up for this blog over a week ago, yet tonight is the first night I actually felt I could write something. Yes, I thought about it a few times, but I couldn’t find the words to start. Twenty one years and one month ago I gave birth to my son. He became “my world”, as most children often do. After a difficult pregnancy and an even more difficult delivery (we almost lost him and me) I took 4 years to stay at home and just enjoy being a mom. We are definitely what most people would consider to be a very close family. My son and I are/were two peas in a pod.

These past three years have brought many changes to our lives. My son started college on the other side of the state, I became ill, my mental state deteriorated because I was sick all the time, and my husband’s stress level was through the roof dealing with it all. After almost two years of struggling to figure out what was going on with me health wise, I got a team of docs who FINALLY started to help. First they diagnosed me with COPD, then found that the COPD was being compounded and exacerbated by a major infection in my sinuses and acid reflux. Separated from each other all of the issues would have been okay to deal with with. Together and untreated for almost two years they were a nightmare. They tried many different cocktails of medications and a sinus surgery and I can happily say about 2 months ago I began to be able to go out of my house again for short periods of time without immediately catching something from the first person I came in contact with. What a blessing! I visited my son at school (Point Park University Conservatory of the Arts) and got the chance to see him perform. With my good news soon followed good news for my son. A job offer!

Everything was a whirlwind of happiness and excitement. As a Dance BFA candidate with a double concentration, he would normally be receiving his degree in 2015, but because of some strong academics and testing out of many classes with the CLEP tests he was set to graduate this May. As a “senior” he began auditioning hoping to have some job offer by the time he graduated. In his case the offer came after audition #1. Now what? “Hey we want to offer you a 10 month contract on a cruise ship, but you have to be in LA in a week!” Again, NOW WHAT?

I got the frantic call, “Mom, what should I do?” He and I went back and forth all day debating the pros and cons of whether to leave in his final semester and take the job. Bottom line, he took the job. Again more happiness (something we hadn’t been accustom to for quite some time) PPU is letting him graduate regularly in May! How, you might ask? He had 5 weeks left and they didn’t “want to stop him from taking a job they had trained him to do.” So lots of extra work went with him to LA that needs to be finished before he is placed on the ship at the end of April, but WOW everything is working out the way my husband and I always thought it would. I’m regaining my health, he’s regaining his sanity, and our son is graduating and has a job. PERFECT! ………………………………….

Yes! It is perfect, it’s what we all want our lives to end up like. We will even have a wedding to look forward to in a year or two, as my son will soon be proposing to his long time girlfriend.

Hmmmmmmmm, he didn’t call me tonight. He didn’t send me a text! I didn’t see a post on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram! Something’s wrong, he must be hurt, injured and in the hospital, sick, something! Remember I said we were close. Although we didn’t speak every day when he was at college, I saw signs of life; a picture or post on some social media. Today nothing! So now what do I do? Do I call? Text? No. I clean my house from top to bottom, do every bit of laundry, cook meals, rearrange 2 closets and give my 2 dogs haircuts! And then of course at 3:30 a.m. I begin to write my first ever blog post. He is fine and I know it, if he wasn’t I would have gotten a call from the company he’s working for. So my brain repeats that over an over so that I don’t pick up the phone 2 inches away from my hand at that moment. He’s 21, on the opposite side of the country. He’s all grown up!

So now I’m left to ponder, what will this “new life” I have be like? And will I like it?